99 Medical Puns But a Scalpel Ain't One

99 Medical Puns But a Scalpel Ain’t One

We have gathered the best medical puns for your birthday, Valentine’s day or any other card which is intended for doctors, nurses, medical students, medical residents, and others!

If you have found gifts for doctors, nurses, medical students, or other medical professionals – half of the job is done.

Now it’s time to write a card, and make the best card ever! It could be a birthday card, Valentine’s day card, Thank you card or any other occasion.

To make this the best card we have collected best medical puns that we could find!

These puns sometimes include specific medical terminology, sometimes they are specifically designated for doctors specialty.

Table of Contents

Random Medical Puns

“I want to be with you forever… Like herpes simplex and trigeminal nerve!”

“What’s the condition of the boy who swallower the quarter? – No change yet.”

“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”

“You are such a QT”

“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”

“If you were a lymphocyte, I would reckon you’d be a natural killer.”

“Two podiatrists became arch enemies…”

“You must go to the foot doctor to get heeled!”

“Wha do you call two poeple in an ambulance? – A Pair of medics.”

“Babe, are you a virus? ‘Cause you’re having an effect on my whole body.”

“Why was the porno star sent home after her exam? – A. Because she was X-ray-ted.”

“Are you a mutation? – ‘Cause now my DNA instead of A, T, G, C has only U, U, U, and U.”

“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.’”

“Is that an epi-pen in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

“I don’t find medical puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”

“Here we have our donor list in ABC order!” – “Well it very well ORGAN-ized.”

“I don’t understand what the point of accupunture is…”

“Dermatologists never do anything in a RASH!”

“What do cells get when they die? A Trophy!”

“Transplantologists always de-liver!”

“Why nurses bring red markers to work? – Just in case they need to draw blood.”

“We have lost our patient… He recovered!”

Medical Student Puns

“What is the difference between God and a medical student? – God doesn’t think he’s a doctor.”

“Why did the medical student carry a ladder? To reach the high points in his studies.”

“How do medical students stay awake during long study sessions? They take caffeine IVs.”

“What did the medical student say when she aced her anatomy exam? ‘I nailed it to the bone!’ “

“Why don’t medical students ever get lost? Because they always follow the right path(ology).”

“Medical students always bring their skeletons to parties because they know how to have a bone-afide good time.”

“Why do medical students love biology? Because it’s the only subject where they can cell-ebrate.”

“Medical school is tough, but it’s a great place to develop a strong backbone.”

“How do medical students describe their social life? It’s in critical condition.”

“Why did the medical student go broke? Because he had too many patients.”

“What’s a medical student’s favorite instrument? The brain-jo.”

“How do medical students relieve stress? They find a vein of humor.”

“Medical students are like antibiotics – they fight off stress one chapter at a time.”

“Why did the medical student bring a light bulb to class? To help with all the bright ideas.”

“Medical students don’t just study anatomy; they get to the heart of every subject.”

“Why did the medical student start a band? To get to the rhythm of the heart.”

“Medical students’ favorite exercise? A practice run through the wards.”

“What’s a medical student’s favorite game? Operation.”

“Why did the medical student take a break? To let off some steam-ulating knowledge.”

“How do medical students describe their textbooks? Heavy reading.”

“Why did the medical student go to art class? To learn how to draw blood.”

Radiology And Radiology Tech Puns

“Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine but CAT-scan.”

“Never lie to radiologist or x-ray technician, they can see right through you!”

“Never lie to a radiologist or x-ray technician, they can see right through you!”

“Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine but CAT-scan.”

“Why did the x-ray tech get promoted? Because he always made the right impression.”

“Radiologists have a lot of exposure.”

“Radiology techs do it with more precision.”

“Why did the radiologist break up with her boyfriend? She could see right through him.”

“What did the x-ray tech say to the broken bone? I’ve got you covered.”

“Why are radiologists great at parties? They know how to lighten up the room.”

“Radiology: where everyone’s problems are transparent.”

“What do you call a radiologist’s favorite band? The X-Rays.”

“The radiologist was always positive because he looked at the bright side.”

“Radiology techs never get lost, they always know how to find the right path.”

“Why did the radiologist become a gardener? Because he knew how to see the root of the problem.”

“X-rays and CT scans make radiologists glow with pride.”

“Radiologists are the best at solving mysteries because they always get the full picture.”

“Why did the radiology tech go to school? To get a better resolution.”

“Radiologists never skip leg day because they know how to spot weaknesses.”

“Radiology: where the inside jokes are the best.”

“Radiology techs don’t just take pictures, they create images.”

“What did the radiologist say to the MRI machine? You really resonate with me.”

Urologist Medical Puns

“Urine nephrology residency now!“

“Urine my heart, urine my thoughts, urine my soul!”

“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.’”

“Hey girl, my love for you burns hotter than my urinary tract infection.”

“Which kind of doctor fixes websites? – A URLologist.”

“You have made a vas deferens in my life.”

“Why does the urology doctor just dread his job some days?” – “Because all his patients are dicks.”

“When you get bladder infection urine trouble!”

“Kidney stones? Urine problem!”

“I tried to look up erectile dysfunction on the web, but nothing came up.”

“Some general surgery interns don’t like urology. – They can go piss off.”

“Is it possible to brake a butt? – No, every butt has a crack!”

Surgeon And Surgery Puns

“What do you call two orthopedic surgeons reading an ECG? – A double-blind study”

“Hip, Hip, Hurrhay!”

“Some residents say they don’t like surgery that much… That’s fine. Suture self!”

“It’s going tibia OK!”

“What is it called when orthopedic surgeons lose their medical licenses?” – “Unorthodocs.”

“Why are surgeons bad in relationships? – Cause they know everybody is the same inside.”

Neurology Medical Puns

“Why was the neuron sent to the principal’s office? – It had trouble controlling its impulses.”

“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”

Gynecologists And Ob/Gyn Medical Puns

“Hello, I’m Dr. X at your cervix!”

“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”

“Don’t ovary act!”

Gastroenterologist Medical Puns

“Have you seen the new movie, Constipated? Oh, wait – It’s not out yet…”

“Proctologists always think that problems can be rectified!”

“Gastroenterologists have serious mental issues, because they have seen some crazy s*it!”

Cardiology Medical Puns

“If you wink at me I will Wenkebach!”

Ophtalmology And Optometrist Puns And Jokes

“Optometry jokes just keep getting cornea…”

“What music do eye doctors prefer? – iTunes.”

“Opthalmologists during residency have an eye-opening exprerience.”

“Will I ever be able to see again? – Eye will see!”

Dentist And Dentistry Puns

“The Dentists couldn’t stand that patient and wash brushing her off all the time!”

“If dentists make money off people with bad teeth, should you trust the toothpaste or toothbrush recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists?”

“Dentists always get to the root of the problem.”

Chiropractors Medical Puns

“Favorite chiropractors music genre is Hip Pop!”

“How are chiropractor best friend called? – Verte-Bro!”

“Chiropractors are crack addicts!”

Pediatric Puns

“Why are pediatricians always agitated? – Because they have little patients!”

Midwife Puns

“Awesome midwife at your cervix!”

“You are such a cuterus!”

“Yes, I deliver!”

“Spec-Tacular”

Valentines Day Medical Puns

Cardiologists or heart surgeons: “I Aorta tell you how much I love you!” or “Are you coronary artery? Cause You are wrapped all around my heart!”

Internal medicine doctors, pulmonologists, respiratory therapists: “We BE-LUNG together!” or “Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away!”

Neurologists: “You must be aphasia because you left me speechless!” or “I LOBE you!”, “If I synapse with you, we’ll store some shared memories.”

Gastroenterologists: “So happy you are enema life!” or “Happy bowel-entines!” or “I love your guts!” or “I love you VILLI much!”, but be careful with these! Some additional ones – “Are you my gallbladder? – Because I have no idea what you actually do but if you stay in we can get stoned together.”

Traumatologists or Orthopedic Surgeons: “I find you humerus!” or “I want tibia your Valentine!” or “I ULNA want to be with you!”

Urologists or nephrologists: “Urine my heart, urine my thoughts, urine my soul!” or “Hey girl, my love for you burns hotter than my urinary tract infection.”

Some others like: “I want to be with you forever… Like herpes simplex and trigeminal nerve!”

“Hey babe, either I have vertigo, or you just rocked my world?”

“Are you my appendix?” – “Because I don’t know anything about you but I have this feeling in my gut that says I should take you out!“

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